Joel Chandler Harrass

Mistuh Whitey gotta call one day ta see what was happ’in’ in Ole Cambridge Town. An he an two uddah guys gots outta dair cah.

An heauh was Ole Mistuh Jungle Bunny, wit one a his buds was usin’ a crowbah ta done breaks open dah front door a Mistuh Bunny’s house, cause dat dum perfessuh done locked hisself outts his house.

An Mistuh Whitey, he say, “Hey der, youn’se guys. Stop whatcha doin’ cause I tink yer doin' somepin wrong.”

An den Ole Mistuh Jungle Bunny, he say, “Who you’s callin ‘Nigguh,' Whitey?”

An Mistuh Whitey he say, “I's not callin' you nigguh, Suh, I jes wanna fine out what's goin' on heauh.”

But Ole Jungle Bunny, he scream, “Nigguh, nigguh. You’se heauh cause you tinks ah’m a nigguh, and--O, Lawd a Mercy!!-- you’s gonna beat me silly wit' dat big stick a yern, ain't ya?”

“Suh, Suh, dat ain’t so. Don’ carries on so’s. I ain’t callin’ you nuttin’. I's not gonna beats ya. I’s jess tryin’ ta figguh out wat all's goin’ on heauh.”

“Der ya’s goes agin, callin' me an dis fine man agin ‘Nigguh,’ a mighty disparagin' term. An I knows you's prob'ly tinkin’ dat dis ting heauh dat I is a holdin' is a ‘Jim Crowe' bah, ain’t ya? You's a mighty wicked racist nigguh hatuh.”

“Suh, y’all are bein’ mighty unpleasant to sum'mon who jess done risked his life ta help perteck dis heauh pro’pty.”

“Dis MINE pro’pty, stupid Whitey, and you’s abusin’ me mighty!” Ole Jungle Bunny scream.

“An,” he continues, “I wants ya ta know, I is frens wit da Pres’dent, da black boy Obama, an' he's a gonna tells you an' da whol' worl' dat you is mudduh-fuckin’ stupid, cuz he’s our’n boy.”

An' Mistuh Whitey was mighty dist'rbed ta fine out dat he wuz bein' called sumpin' he'd nevuh been called befoe: A nigguh hatuh! Why, he'd ain't nevuh done hated no blacks man, EVUH!, let alone uttered da hateful word "nigguh." But 'parently, times dey'd dun changed in d'Obama times. An Whitey hadn't dun kep' up wit da times.

“Whitey, whitey, whitey!” screamed Ole Mistuh Jungle Bunny, “I knows you'uz callin’ me a nigguh, and you’s gonna’ pay fer dis. Y’all don’ know who’s I am, duz ya? Well, lets me tell you. I am da Supreme Jungle Bunny a Harvard, where dey likes my kine, cuz dey’s so guilty. Ha ha, Mistuh Whitey, you done stepped in it dis time, din ya?”

And den da reportuhs from da mainstream media sez, “Well, Harvard can’t poss'bly be no racist place wit' a racist perfessuh,” and so dey begans t'attack Mistuh Whitey fer bein' insens'tive to Ole Mistuh Jungle Bunny, an ole Bunny he jest grinned an' grinned an' grinned.

An' den Bunny he sez, “Whitey, dis heauh nigguh goin' ta make a fortune frum dis heah shoutin' match, an dat’ll teach you’s all ta call me 'Nigguh.'”

And den Ole Mistuh Bunny he jess laff an' laff un'er his breff--"Dem stupid libr'l whities," he sez t'hisself, "dey falls fer dis ev'ry time." An he laff some more. An' he dranks some beer wit da Pres'dent.