Kill the Beast! Starve the Beast!

Sayonara, Washington…Mon Amour

Mistresses age. Alas! Though once-vibrant, they come to the inevitable time when they can’t stand the glare of day and must be craftily enhanced with exotic contents of paint pots rare. Charm becomes artifice, studied and calculated, where once it was natural and spontaneous and possibly real. There is a sad reminder in the flirtatious formulas of the faded doyennes—we are reminded that if vibrant vixens can decline, what indeed cannot!

And thus it is that goddesses of yesterday must stand aside for the new and fresh. A good mistress must know when to retire before retirement is forced upon her. It’s best to have it said “She had a good run” rather than “There’s a fine line between mistress and slut and, I’m afraid, she’s lost her balance.”

As Dryden says, “All human things are subject to decay,” and mistresses—and governments—must obey. And like a clinging woman, a concept can hang on too long—and the concept of the necessity of a government to have an actual capital city has had its run, at least for THIS republic.

You see, Washington, like the above-mentioned mistress, is a holdover from a time when a capital city was the only way to conduct governmental business in a representative democracy. But Washington, far from being essential to the lusty republic’s needs, is now a tarted-up whore of a place that is beyond embarrassing and outworn—she is absolutely destructive to the noble ends of her founders.

It is time for Washington to be retired.

In the 18th Century, the concept of representative democracy could ONLY occur if there were a capital city. No capital, no capitol, no meeting place. So our country grew up with the concept that a capital was essential. And so it was. Note the past tense, though.

But something called the 20th Century happened, and it created new ways of doing business, perfected now to the point that people don’t have to be anywhere near one another to have face-to-face meetings.

You know, it is hard to get your pocket picked by someone who isn’t near you. Well, the same could be said for the pack of thieves and reprobates who are our political class. If they can’t physically get together, the mischief they can work is just about completely undone. (I say “just about” because we must never underestimate the resourcefulness of politicians with law degrees.)

Note that I say that they “can’t” physically get together, and that is just what I propose—namely, that they are, once elected, forbidden from leaving their District until their term is up. When a man or woman wins election to serve a District, he/she is electronically braceleted and monitored 100% of the time. How’s that for a novel idea! We put them under our lock and key!

The person may receive visitors, but every visitor and that person’s conversation and interaction will be recorded and open for public inspection. Visitors to his/her home, likewise, will be monitored. In short, NO PRIVACY WHATSOEVER! For the full term of their “service.”

Now, politicians are fond of referring to themselves as “public servants.” Well, dammit, I say let’s start treating them as our servants, not as our betters. Sure, we can give them one or two weeks off a year, but we don’t allow them to leave the estate, in this case the District.

No more getting wined and dined and bribed and junketed and entertained and showered with perks, perks, perks. No more high-falutin’ balls and dinners in that rarefied moneyed honey pot called Washington. These people are going to be staying HOME! They better like the restaurants in their home District, because those are the only ones they can eat in for the duration of their term.

Voting will be done from their office via electronic means, and their vote will be made in full view of their constituents who care to make the drive downtown and watch and possibly confront the office holder.

We’re not a representative democracy if our politician is unavailable IN PERSON twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year. What good is a “representative” who can only be reached by phone or e-mail (which can easily be ignored) or can only be seen in press releases?

If they have their voters sitting just feet away from them while they are debating, voting, holding hearings, and all the other official things they do, they’re not going to be able to get away with the shenanigans that they get away with now. Some of these people would get punched if their constituents could get to them. Well, with this system, they COULD get to them and they COULD, literally, punch the transgressing pol. Do I hear an “AMEN”?!

And wouldn’t that do our country good! (As well as our hearts!) True accountability! True representative democracy! Federal politicians would be forbidden, under penalty of five years of hard time in a federal lockup, to make any physical or clandestine contact with any other politician except the President.

The President would be the only politician allowed to reside in Washington or move about during his term. Senators (yes, ideally the Senate should be written out of the Constitution and every senator sent to do real work—they’d soon find that this House of Lords mentality doesn’t play well in the capitalistic workplace; however, for now, we’re stuck with them for the time being) would likewise have to stay within the borders of their states but remain out of physical contact with any other politician.

Politicians may contact one another by phone, e-mail, or carrier pigeon, but not face to face. But everything they do has to leave a trail that can be scrutinized, so we know who is trying to pull what scam on whom.

Yes, lobbyists can visit with their trench coats full of enticements, but their presence will be recorded and open to public viewing. No meetings behind closed doors. And, whereas lobbyists used to be able to score a gaggle of favors by just sashaying from one office to the next, now they are going to have to make unglamorous trips to seedy offices scattered all over this great land.

And what would happen to that city on the Potomac now that the politicians can’t go there? Washington would become a purely ceremonial city, used only when we need a backdrop for a ceremony, like the inauguration of the President or a State funeral. But otherwise, the Capitol can be open to tourists to gawk at where the corruption used to take place. We need monuments; we need ceremony. We just don’t need politicians getting together in their Coven of Cupidity and Rapacity.

And who would want to be a representative or senator then, you ask.
Do you see that if this plan is followed, you are going to get people in government who REALLY care about the people, because they’re going to be tooth-to-jowl with their constituents, unable to hide. And if you think the quality of politician would go down, then I have to ask where the hell you have been for the last fifty years. They CAN’T get worse!

I realize, of course, the property values in Washington, D.C. are going to fall precipitously, but nothing of any value will have been lost. Our government will function with total, and I mean TOTAL transparency, and the era of the career politician (meaning the one who REALLY knows how to take bribes and stiff the public) will be a thing of the past.

Thank you, technology, for giving us the means to finally free ourselves of the tyranny of our government. This will be the bloodless REVOLUTION that we are all so desperately craving. Cincinnatus, you can now return to your farm AND still be a public servant.

From now on, politicians had better like their home Districts and their constituents because that is all they’re going to have to keep them company for however many years they serve.

And here I address all you politicians: Just keep in mind that we really MEAN it! You’re going to serve us daily and really earn your keep! And you’re not going to get rich screwing us!

That will be the reward for our worthy mistresses.